A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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