So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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