don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize