im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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