I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
