Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
