you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
