I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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