The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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