True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
