Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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