If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you had me at cake vodka
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
