A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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