I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
