I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
someone threw a dead crab at me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
