You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize