My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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