I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
