On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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