I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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