HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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