I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
