It was like getting head from an anaconda
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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