why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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