i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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