I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
