In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize