Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
