The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
