God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's like God shit irony all over that family
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
