My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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