fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
