New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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