The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Ladies don't puke and tell
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
