That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
