From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
