highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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