I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
