got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just want to make out with him forever
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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