She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
