you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
