Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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