dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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