It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
