Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
