if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
