I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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