it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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