My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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