well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
