No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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