Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
