I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
