Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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