apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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