your thong is hanging out like whoa
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
